By now, visitors of mallorymaloney.com are inevitably thinking, 'Oh, no. Oh, God no ... It's* started again!'

It* being me ceasing to blog for weeks on end and neglecting the entire site for no real reason whatsoever, other than my chronic laziness, and other excuses of similar weakness.

Fortunately for all of us, you ungrateful urchins are totally wrong! I have been slightly neglectful with the site for the past twelve days, granted, but it hasn't been for no reason. However, before I go on a spiel about all my adventures, let us examine updateage with extreme vigour. Yea verily!

The Fansigns page has been updated with one new sign, courtesy of my über sweet Affie, Angelica. Thank you so much, love! You're too sweet. *^^*

Next is an update to --- You guessed it --- The Family's Funny Quotes page. Yeah, no one saw that coming from thirty seven miles away. e_e; It's just ... We never stop with the funny!

One new Affiliate has been added! Everyone go check out Monnii's site. *^^*

I also added one new/old photo to the Photographs page, under the 31 March 2009 section. I decided against adding it originally, as it looks pretty much identical to every other 'angled' shot I already have displayed on the page ... But recently I noticed that I got all of my painstakingly chosen and perfectly matched bracelets/hair barrettes into the shot, so in the end, I couldn't resist adding it. @_@; Woe.

And that's it for updates, as I'm still pottering away with mallorymaloney.com's new layout --- Which, BTW, is coming along quite nicely! There was a lengthy period where it was giving me fiery motherfuckin' Hell, but thankfully I was able to work past that point. ((Of course, those of you who follow me on Twitter already know all this! ^_~))

So now that we've vigorously examined the updateage, it's time to hear about my adventurously adventurous adventures! ^o^ Like, for example, the creation of a highly random, yet highly awesome video for mallorymaloney.com's visitors to enjoy!

As the title proclaims, the video contains ripoffage of Coldplay, an untitled guitar riff I made myself, ((This can be heard during the 'opening credits',)) Followed by a certain song which you may not recognise ... Until about halfway through the video, anyway. ^_~

After I spent two days shooting and editing that baby, I was preoccupied with scaring the shit out of squirrels. For example, if I'm in my kitchen, and I spy a squirrel dickin' around on the fence outside, I sneak out the back door very quietly, taking care to hunch down so they don't see or hear me straight away.

After I get within about a foot or two away without them noticing me, I then jump up into the air as high as I can, throwing my arms over my head and screaming phrases such as, 'Ooga booga booga!', or, 'Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, watch out!', or, 'I'm a fuckin' squirrel!'

That last phrase in particular is my favourite, as in addition to frightening the squirrels, it also fools them into thinking I'm a very large, less furry version of their kind, you see.

I bellowed this phrase just yesterday, when my little brother Craig spotted a squirrel in the neighbour's tree and alerted me. Excited, I quickly snuck out the back door, ducking down until I was against the fence ... Then I very suddenly jumped up and screamed, say it with me now, 'I'm a fuckin' squirrel!'

To my dismay, there was no squirrel on the neighbour's tree or anywhere near said tree. However, before I could feel like a total retard, I noticed that there wasn't just one, but two different squirrels on our garage turned locksmith shop's low roof --- And I ended up scaring them, instead of my original target!

The one closest to me simply jumped in fright and then hopped onto our house's main roof --- But the second one, quite far away from where I was standing, went completely berserk.

He scrambled about for a moment, unsure where to go, his tail whipping around his head like a demented cowboy's lasso. After several milliseconds of this, he then blindly raced down the length of our shop's roof toward the front of the house, pressing his belly low against the steel plating, his legs going in every direction at once as he ran.

I began to wonder where, exactly, he thought he was going to run to --- There was no elevated refuge in the direction he was running, at least none that I could see. There's a large maple tree in front of our shop, granted, but it's more than fifteen feet away from the edge of the roof.

As I stood there, my arms still raised in the air, my mouth slightly ajar, the squirrel reached the end of his roof racetrack --- And kept going. He simply launched himself violently into the air, I assume headed in the general direction of the large maple tree out front.

My eyes began to widen as I watched the suicidal squirrel fly through the air, almost as if in slow motion. He had some decent altitude at first, as he had propelled himself off the front of the roof with extreme speed, but that altitude was slowly lost as he soared through the air, all four of his legs wildly moving in a sort of aerial breast stroke --- Two feet --- Four feet --- Eight feet --- And then he dropped out of sight, seven feet short of his fifteen foot goal.

Things seemed to return to normal motion as my arms dropped to my sides ... When suddenly I began to laugh in a wild hysterical manner as I ran back inside the house, laughing so hard I was forced to hunch over involuntarily, laughing so hard tears began to roll down my cheeks, laughing so hard my sides began to ache. After several minutes of this, I attempted to calm down enough to explain to my brothers what had happened, but it took perhaps three times as long as it would have normally taken for me to tell such a simple story ... Due to the fact that I continued to wildly choke on laughter.

After I had managed to calm down, I went out front, a bit afraid of finding a tiny squirrel body splattered on the middle of the sidewalk ... But thankfully, there was nothing there, so the poor dude must've either hit the ground running, or simply scrambled up the tree while I wasn't paying attention, due to being hysterical with laughter.

Another one of my adventures took place as I was riding my bike home on the highway in the rain. I was riding along in a merry sort of way, as I was boiling hot, and the cold rain felt pretty good on my outstretched arms ... When quite suddenly, an exceptionally large wave of rain splashed onto my side and face. That's strange, I thought, Rain rarely pours from the sky horizontally.

Then I realised that a passing car had purposely swerved to hit a puddle with his or her tire, thus rudely splashing the entire side of my body with dirty water. I suspected it was on purpose, anyway, and that was enough to get my anger brewing. I thrust my right hand in the air, middle finger pointing toward the Heavens, and I kept it there, glaring at the driver of each and every car that sped past me for the next two minutes.

I wasn't puddle splashed again that day.

A third adventure involved my Dad calling me to 'come and see this guy outside'. Joining him at the front door, I looked across the street to see an elderly man walking up the sidewalk, which wasn't really all that unusual ... That is, until I trained my gaze downward.

The old fucker was pushing his wheelchair in front of him as he walked.

Now, I do live on a slightly steep street, but it's not that bad. It's not fuckin' Mount Logan or anything. Getting out of your wheelchair and pushing it, simply because you're too lazy to manoeuvre it up the sidewalk in the traditional fashion, tells me that perhaps you don't need that wheelchair at all.

The only thing it tells me is that you need to fuck right off and give your wheelchair to someone who truly does need it ... Before I shatter both of your legs with a sledgehammer, and you no longer have a choice in the matter.

I had another series of adventures which I like to call, 'The Week Mallory Went To Nearly Every Store In Her City In Search Of Green Clothing, Accessories, And Makeup For Her Green Day Concert Attire'. Clicking the thumbnail below should help decode that mysterious and elusive title for you:

And if that's not enough green for 'ya, how about a shot of me modelling those eyeshadows?! I used the green from CoverGirl's 'FireCracker' trio on the inner corners of my eyes, paired with NYX's 'Kiwi' on the outer corners:

In the photo, they aren't quite as vibrant as I'd like them to be, ((Especially CoverGirl's,)) But I did some research afterwards and found out I should be using something called a 'primer' on my eyelid before I just start slappin' on the shadow.

Primer apparently makes the eyeshadow you use appear more vibrant, along with making it last longer, and less likely to crease. However, I didn't feel like shelling out over $20.00 for a decent primer ... So I found out how to make my own: You simply mix equal parts plain/unscented body moisturiser and liquid foundation, and bam --- Instant primer! I tested it out for myself and the results were pretty wicked. Even the cheap CoverGirl eyeshadow appeared brighter! *^^* If you're fond of wearing bright coloured eyeshadow and don't already know this trick, I definitely recommend it to 'ya!

And before I end this adventurous Updates/Blog entry, I shall leave you all with one last mildly entertaining Mallory tidbit.

Whenever I'm alone in my kitchen at night, filling up a cup of water at the sink, I cannot --- Absolutely cannot --- Look out the window above the sink for any longer than half a second.

If I do, I'm quite certain I'll see a face staring in at me, palms flat against the glass, eyes large and staring, mouth riddled with sharp, needle like teeth, ready to smash the window and grind my face into meatloaf if I so much as glimpse its face for a full second. My remedy for combating this irrational fear this is to always look straight down or to the side when I'm filling up a cup.

Also, turning the water on full blast and then racing out of the kitchen as fast and as soon as I possibly can.

>_>;

Yes. I realise I have massive problems, thank you very much, and yes, I do plan on keeping it that way.

I shall now bid you all goodbye in a part of a healthy breakfast manner. Observe: Shreddie, ((None of that Diamond Shreddie bullshit,)) Honey Bunches Of Oat, Reese's Puff, Frosted Flake, Cheerio!

Get it? Because some English people say 'cheerio' instead of goodbye, see ... But I'm pretending they're just mentioning what types of cereal they enjoy eating for breakfast! I am a delight.

*I wholly admit to ripping off Stephen King with my usage of 'it'. I also admit I'm enjoying the fact that this entry appears to be full of mainstream ripoffage!