Hello, m'dears!

Before I get to this week's updates, I'd just like to announce that I recently joined the 'Claws Challenge' on AsianPoses.Com, and I was wondering if anyone would like to vote for me ...?

The challenges on AsianPoses.Com basically consist of visitors submitting photos of themselves posing in a predetermined way --- And this time, we were all challenged to pose in the popular 'claws' fashion, which is described on the site as:

The claw hand gesture ((...)) involves one or two hands with palm facing outward and fingers bent towards the palm. The fingers which aren't forming the claw shape remain clenched.

Clearly, the photo I submitted isn't nearly adorable enough to win the challenge, but I'd still be super flattered if anyone wants to vote for me! *^^* Click here if you'd like to so!

If not, that's okay --- I'll still love you. Somewhat.

Now, onto the updates!

... Which there aren't actually too much of. @_@; But that's only because I've been busy working on a new layout for mallorymaloney.com! And no, I don't mean the one I mentioned way back on 31 May 2009. I actually had to scrap that one, as I wasn't fond of the way it was turning out ... And I never attempted to make a new one until recently. @_@; I'm hoping it'll be up before Christmas, if it all pieces together the way I want it to.

At any rate, here be the small handful of updates I managed to scrape together at the last moment. #_#;

I've added three new Affies over on the Affiliates page: William, Bliitz, and Nellie. ^^ I'm loving the fact that all their current layouts contain an overabundance of my favourite colour --- Black!

I also removed quite a few Affiliates, mostly due to inactivity and/or prodigious lack of contact on their part. Need an example? Very well, then: Some of them haven't spoken so much as a single virtual word to me since they first applied to be Affiliates. No comments, no eMails, no @replies on Twitter, no instant messages on WLM, nothing! I'm sure most of you already understand that I consider Affiliates a way of making new friends online --- The free hits from the exchange of links are simply a bonus. Clearly though, not everyone who applies to be an Affie shares my philosophy ... So into the rubbish bin they go. Hmpf! ><;

On a more pleasant note, the Family's Funny Quotes was updated with a brand new batch of highly amusing quoteage. Be sure to break out the rotffles and maple syrup.

Keeping with the pleasant mood we've established, I'd now like to express my unwavering love for two of my very favourite sites online: Dictionary.Com and Thesaurus.Com! *_*

I realise that this kinda sounds like sarcasm, but I'm actually being literal! I simply find these sites so much fun to use. I'm actually delighted when I stumble across a word I don't know the exact definition of, or when I'm not quite sure how to pronounce it, because that means I get to mosey on over to Dictionary.Com.

And don't even get me started on how fantastic Thesaurus.Com is. I can't count how many times I've used it when typing up mallorymaloney.com's very own Updates/Blog entries! It's an absolute blessing when I'm experiencing a particularly stinky brainfart.

Plus, I get reintroduced to words I wouldn't think of using until I see them listed as another word's synonym. For example, whenever I feel like a written phrase such as 'that's awesome!' sounds a little too boring, I simply punch 'awesome' into the search bar, and I'm rewarded with gems such as 'magnificent', 'marvellous', or 'striking'.

Of course, one must always be careful to never overdo Thesaurus word usage! For example, let's say you want to post a Tweet about how great your weekend was, without simply typing up the predictable, 'I had a great weekend!'

What you never want to do is come up with a replacement sentence such as, 'My weekend was stupendously phenomenal. It was a multitudinous array of boisterous endeavours!' Because, well, you don't want to sound like you brutally raped a Thesaurus. You just want to make an otherwise boring sentence have a little more impact!

An alternative sentence such as, 'I had the most delectable weekend!' would be much better. Like the original sentence, it's short and to the point, but by simply replacing the word 'great' with 'delectable', it's been made a lot more interesting!

But, er, I think we all need to move on ... Before we suddenly sprout pocket protectors and oversized glasses. >_>;

This next subject is decidedly less pleasant, as it revolves around one of my hated ex boyfriends --- The first one. If you've read my Autobiography page in the past, you'll be familiar with who I'm talking about. If not, ((Or if your memory needs refreshing,)) This is how I described him on the aforementioned page:

((My)) first boyfriend was a messiah complexed, misanthropic, obsessive control freak, who enjoyed abusing me mentally every chance he got. I broke up with him after three years of feeling worthless, stupid, weak, confused, and guilty.

Now, before anyone starts jumping to conclusions, he hasn't suddenly reappeared in my life, or tried to contact me since I broke up with him, or anything of the sort. I simply need to get a bunch of random things --- Things I haven't spoken about much before --- Off my chest.

Even though our relationship ended in 2007, I'm reminded of him all the time --- And I don't mean in the standard 'OMGZ I MISS MAH EX!!!1' sort of way, either. I mean in a 'I think I'm going to puke my fucking guts out if I have to think about that prick for even one more second' sort of way.

I'll give you some examples.

When I first got my hair coloured black, back in March of this year, I remember looking in the mirror, happily admiring my new hair colour --- And then suddenly being struck by a wave of extreme apprehension.

I couldn't figure out why, for a second, but then it hit me: I was worried what he'd think. Even though we hadn't been together for two years, even though I haven't spoken to him since we broke up, I had suddenly fallen back into my old thought patterns.

You see, when we were together, he refused to let me do anything with my hair. I wasn't allowed to colour it, cut it, wear it in a ponytail, nothing. He liked my hair long and natural, so it stayed long and natural. I had no say in the matter whatsoever.

I remember one time, thinking he wouldn't mind if it was only temporary, I dyed it black with that wash out colour you buy in the drugstore. When he found out what I had done, he was immediately flew into a fit of anger.

He treated me like a disobedient child for the rest of the day, refusing to budge on the fact that it was only temporary, and that it was my hair, besides. Nope, it had nothing to do with that. Apparently, I had disobeyed a direct order ... And although he didn't say so in those words, the meaning was clear.

I never touched my hair again without his express permission.

Another thing he had 'rules' about was the way I dressed. He was fine with my 'alternative' style of dressing, but one thing he didn't allow me to do was wear any skirts he deemed too short, because he didn't want 'other men' looking at me. After all, I was his girlfriend, and only he should get the privilege of seeing too much of my legs.

Yeah.

Another thing I wasn't 'allowed' to do was listen to certain types of music he deemed 'Satanic'. This was almost my entire music library, including Green Day. However, I wasn't about to budge on listening to my favourite band in the entire world, so he let me have that --- However, as an unspoken rule, I wasn't permitted to talk to him about it. If I so much as mentioned the band, he quickly grew very sullen, and then it was up to me to cheer him up again, since it was my fault for mentioning my favourite band around him.

It wasn't just the fact he thought the lyrics of some of Green Day's songs to be Satanic, though --- He was also jealous of Billie Joe Armstrong, the frontman of Green Day, since he suspected I had a crush on Billie.

Which, of course, I did, and I always have, ((And I probably always will, because I'm a teenie like that,)) But that doesn't mean that I was being unfaithful to my asshole of a boyfriend. Still, I had to lie about it to please him, because if I had've been honest, he would have considered me a cheating whore and left me.

I kid you not.

And unfortunately, at the time of our relationship, I was constantly terrified he might break up with me. My self esteem and emotional stability had been pretty much nonexistent even before meeting him, so when we became boyfriend and girlfriend, I was in shock. I couldn't imagine anyone in the world wanting to be in a relationship with me, and so I clung to him desperately, believing that no one else in the entire world could ever love me ... That this was my one and only chance at a relationship, my one and only chance at happiness.

He knew all of this, and he took advantage of it. He was able to lay out as many rules as he wanted, and I blindly followed every last one of them to please him. I didn't care how pointless or demeaning or insane his rules were --- I just didn't want him to leave me.

Another thing he was obsessed with was making sure I didn't suddenly turn into a lesbian. Yes, I'm still being serious here. He would occasionally 'test' me to make sure my sexual preference hadn't changed overnight, by asking me questions like, 'You wouldn't still love me if I were a woman, would you?', or, 'If a woman randomly came up to you and kissed you, you wouldn't kiss her back, would you?'

Regardless of the fact that my honest answers to both of these questions at the time were either, 'It depends,' or, 'I'm not sure', I had to lie, swearing up and down that no, I'd never be able to love him if he were a woman, and no, I'd never kiss another woman, not in any way, under any circumstances.

I didn't realise at the time that he was severely homophobic.

And then, of course, there were his hints that if I ever broke up with him, he would surely take his own life out of deep depression. When he first mentioned this, I had no problem with it, as I felt the same way.

It was only as the relationship progressed through the second and third year that I slowly started realising that I no longer loved him, and began wondering if I ever truly did ... And, of course, at the same time I starting thinking that it would be impossible for me to ever leave him, because if I did --- And if he took his own life out of grief --- Then it would be nothing short of murder on my part.

Now imagine being trapped like that yourself, and still making the final decision to end the relationship. I was absolutely terrified, but I knew I had to do it. Our relationship had progressed from him being a little over protective, to him controlling nearly every aspect of my life --- And I had begun to hate him for it.

Nowadays, it's impossible to think back on these three years of my life without a strong feeling of shame. What I've typed up here is only a small segment of all the shit I allowed him to put me through, and looking back, I can honestly say that the only good thing about the entire relationship is that I was strong enough to break up with him.

I haven't heard from him since --- Aside from an anonymous 'hate' message on my TagBoard that sounded suspiciously like him a few days after we broke up, and aside from reading a blog entry on the domain he had at the time, also dated a few days after. ((The entry revolved around nothing but alien conspiracy bullshit.))

There were no more new blog entries after that, and his domain expired a few months later. I've received no further contact from him since then, ((Unless it was done in another 'anonymously hating' fashion,)) And I hope I never do again.

On second thought, it's not really an issue either way, since I don't give the smallest fuck about him anymore. The only things I feel when I think about him, ((Aside from shame,)) Are anger and hatred.

For example, he could call me on the phone right now and tell me that he had the barrel of a gun aimed at his skull. You know what my response would be?

'Pull the fucking trigger.'