I feel this way for two entirely different reasons, both of which I shall elaborate upon … Starting with the more, shall we say, jovial of the deuce: I announced that I was back in the Blogosphere way back in May. Clearly, I have been nowhere within the Blogosphere’s range since then — Not even close. However, there was a very good reason for that. And here comes the second, extremely fucking dismal reason. No idea how or why I’m maintaining such a jaunty textual tone throughout this edit, by the by, because what I’m about to explain is just about the worst thing that has ever happened to me, as well as my entire family. I suppose humour is one of my defence mechanisms, something I never really considered until recently.

Almost immediately after I posted the blog entry below, my Mum took a turn for the worse. This wasn’t entirely unexpected, though, as chemotherapy is ridiculously hard on one’s body. Obviously. Modern science’s idea of ‘treating’ cancer is to blast the patient with as much radiation as possible without outright killing them.

In the end, though, it didn’t really matter. Ten days after I posted mallorymaloney.com’s last blog entry, on 10 June 2011, my Mum died. Just like that. No real warning, no true sign, just … Death. Black and huge and horrible and ultimately powerful. Not something you can fight, once it has its victim in its grasp. Not something you can ever really anticipate. Not something you can ever understand.

No one understands death; Not in the least. Everyone thinks it’s something that happens to somebody else, to other people … Never to us. Never to our family.

Guess what? It can, it does, and it will.

I think I might just be starting to understand that myself. That’s probably the one and only good thing that has come out of this fucking horrible incident: I appreciate life a lot more than I used to. That, and the fact I’m dealing with it a lot better than people expect me to, heh.

Sure, I break down and cry sometimes because the littlest, stupidest things remind me my Mum’s dead. Sure, I have days where I’m really fucking depressed. Sure, I occasionally and momentarily ‘forget’ she’s gone, thinking, ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe they just said that! Haha, I can’t wait to tell Mum. Oh. Wait.’ It’s only a split second thing, but it’s enough to fuck me up for awhile afterwards.

Still, though, I’m very grateful that my mind seems to be handling this fairly well, given the circumstances. My family’s about the same, as well, another thing I’m thankful for … Although, of course, my Dad’s taken it the hardest. But that much is expected. Heart wrenching, but expected.

So … Yeah. That’s what I’ve been up to these last five months, heh. Despite all this, I’m still planning on coming back to the Blogopshere — For real this time, so long as addtional members of my immediate family don’t drop dead — I just haven’t decided when. October’s been and is going to continue to be a super busy month for my family and I, so I’m not sure when I’ll have the time. I’m hoping it’ll be before November comes, though, so keep checking back.

Much love and many thanks to anyone who still bothers to visit mallorymaloney.com, and I’ll see you all again soon. ♥

Guess who’s back?! Back again …? Guess who’s back? Stab a friend!

That’s right, darklings, mallorymaloney.com and I have both returned to the blogosphere within the time I promised you all — Albeit in a terribly typical Mallory fashion, what with this blog entry being posted at the very last millisecond and all, but still. >_>;

Alright, so first off, even though I haven’t been posting any entries, I’ve still been doing constant behind the scenes maintenance, as you can see by the list of recent((ish)) updates I’ve just now added to the sidebar. See? I told you guys mallorymaloney.com wasn’t closing! Sheesh, you guys can be so cynical … ;She says this knowing full well that she, herself, is a cynic of the uppermost rank.; o_o

Secondly, these last four months have been absolutely packed with some of the best and worst times of my entire life. All lighthearted chattering aside, it’s been a very terrifying rollercoaster ride … And unfortunately, the ride’s not over yet. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s only begun, heh.

At the beginning of this month — The Friday before Mother’s Day, 6 May, to be exact — My family and I received some extremely terrifying news: My Mum has cancer. She was diagnosed after she went to the doctor’s for what we thought was just some minor digestion problems, as her stomach had been rather bloated and uncomfortable a few days prior. Imagine our shock when it wasn’t something that could be easily treated with a bottle of Gas X, but rather breast cancer that had spread to her liver, causing all of her internal organs to become scarily swollen.

Then imagine our shock when we learnt that breast cancer which has spread to the liver is something known as ‘Stage Four’ cancer … The worst of all stages, as the survival rate for Stage Four patients is dismal at best. Sixteen to twenty percent of patients live five years after they’re first diagnosed. I honestly don’t know how I can type these cold, hard facts without bursting into tears or going into a state of deep depression, but I can. It disturbs me. It terrifies me. It angers me. It saddens me. It gives me every negative emotion all at once, it seems, and yet I’ve somehow detached myself from the ‘bad’ feelings. It’s not denial, exactly, nor is it entirely acceptance … It’s more like I’ve become numb to them, and they no longer affect me.

I’m not sure if this is good or normal or healthy or right, but it’s better than the utter blankness known as shock that I experienced when I first found out. I couldn’t feel anything at all. It was like my entire being was carved out of stone, or some sort of ice that was resistant to warmth of any kind. Physical, mental, nothing touched the cold I was made of. I was frozen inside and out.

A week or so later, once I actually began to feel the sun on my skin once more, I began struggling with intense suicidal thoughts. Every conscious moment was painful, from the moment I laid down for a restless night of nightmares to the moment I opened my eyes in the morning. All I wanted to do was cease to exist.

That soon passed when I was making supper one night, ((This is a responsibility that’s now become permanently mine, along with cleaning and generally keeping the house in order, as Mum’s much too weak to even think about attempting such things now,)) And suddenly decided to start listening to Green Day’s American Idiot album. While Jesus Of Suburbia was playing, I made a sudden yet concrete descion: I wouldn’t, I couldn’t take my own life if Green Day were still around. If I did that, I’d never see them play live again. I’d never heard any of their new music. I’d never see the American Idiot musical with its new Canadian cast when it made its December tour stop in Toronto. I’d never see the American Idiot movie that’s currently in production.

As soon as my mind settled on these facts, my suicidal thoughts began to lift. Green Day became a vital lifeline to me for quite a few days, something I clung to in moments of depressed desperation. Thankfully, those days soon passed, as well, until I came to stage I’m at now … The whole ‘detached from any negativity regarding the fact my Mum has cancer’ stage. Which is also starting to become infused with occasional rage fest regarding ridiculous things, like, for example, people calling Tim Horton’s ‘Timmies’. I swear to God, the next fuck who calls that trashy fucking ‘restaurant’ Timmies is gonna seriously regret it.

Moving on to more important matters.

My Mum herself. She’s gone through quite a few stages of her own, as well. There were the first few hours of shock, then extreme grief, then deep depression, then anger, and where she stands now, I’m not sure. That’s the thing about this whole horrible thing in my family … I think what’s keeping us all sane is just kinda pretending that everything’s okay. That everything’s normal, everything’s fine and dandy. We’re all kind of edging around the subject, not mentioning the word ‘cancer’ unless absolutely necessary, wincing whenever we utter the word ‘chemotherapy’, ((Which my Mum just started today, actually — Her first once weekly appointment of many,)) And never, ever, ever mentioning that it’s a terminal Stage Four cancer we’re dealing with.

I don’t know, though … On on hand, this angers me. I hate dodging around ‘issues’ — I prefer to get up close and personal and kick said issues in the assue — But in some ways it’s, just … I don’t know. Easier, I guess. Sadly, I can’t think of another way to put it, because there’s not really any other way to interpret the situation. It’s just easier this way, for everyone in my family. And frankly, a bit of ease is probably what we need.

Again, I’m not sure if this is the healthiest way to deal with the trauma, but it’s all we’ve got at the moment — And it is better than wandering around in a blank or depressed state — So I suppose it’ll just have to do.

I’ll get off this topic, now, though, as I completely understand it makes others feel helpless and uneasy to discuss such things. I wouldn’t know what to say in response to a blog entry like this, myself, other than the typical, ‘Stay strong’/'I’m here for you’/'I’m sure your Mum will be fine’ malarkey, and I don’t want you guys to have to parrot that faux optimistic crap anymore … Unless, of course, you actually mean it, heh.

Still, though, if you want to comment but you don’t know what to say in regards to my Mum having cancer, feel free to completely skip over the subject — I will understand entirely.

Now, then — As for those more cheerful topics I’ve been promising you all for the last four months, I’ll be getting to those in the coming weeks, as there’s way too many different stories and photos to pack all into a single entry, heh. ^^;

I apologise to anyone who expected all of my happy making adventures to be shared straight away, but I figure it’s better to stick to posting approximately one thousand word entries each week, as opposed to the nine thousand worded atrocities I’ve been known to churn out in the past, haha.

For now, I’m just glad to be back in the blogging world. I’ve missed you all so much, and I can’t wait to start reading your own blog entries and exchanging comments once again! *^^*

Love ‘ya, darklings!